My mom’s side of the family has a curious condition known as extreme paranoia … particularly about becoming the victim of a freak accident. Pair this with some headstrong genes and you get 4 bull-headed, yet absolutely lovable, uncles out to protect their extended family.

About 10 years ago (when the world was still buzzed on the novelty of email :)), our family set up a YahooGroups listserve to keep in touch better. To fulfill their familial duties, each of the uncles on occasion would forward mass warning emails to the listserve, sounding the alarms about the latest unlikely, yet astronomically high-yield, catastrophe to beware of in the world.

Some of our all-time favorites:

  • keychains sold at gas stations that are embedded with location tracking devices
  • mugs of boiling water exploding in your face when removed from the microwave
  • used condoms being recycled into hairbands (which can result in genital warts around the mouth when held between the lips)
  • deadly China-imported dried fruits laced with lead
  • laptops that catch on fire when left on the bed
  • unassuming plastic bottles you might find in your mailbox or backyard that are, in fact, homemade Drano bombs ready to maim you for life, and
  • spontaneously combusting mobile phones

But the latest edition sent by one uncle last week was pretty downright disconcerting. WholeFoods isn’t a name that would normally make headlines in the Shiau family Paranoia Series, but an investigative report found that their sacred, boho-yuppie-revered organic foods … might not really be organic. They might even be from <gasp!> CHINA. Now that’s some scary shit.

Pretty weak of them to just hope their customers wouldn’t notice the “Made in China” fine print on the back of their “California Blend” frozen veggies. Better get your market demographic right, WholeFoods (read: wealthier, more educated.) <Shrug>… I guess I never noticed either, until the ABC I-Team aired their expose. I did always wonder how they sold their 365 Organic brand at blowout prices that give even my next-door Jack’s 99 Cents store a run for their money.

Written by noodle



the venereal disease carrying hairband – come on! that one’s gotta be true.


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